Hate You for Leaving
by Roxie Zephyr Jocelyn
Summary: Not a SLASH fic. Hints of KiraLacus and AthrunCagalli. As he listened to her cries, Kira hated Athrun for leaving her. However, upon contemplating his best friend's departure, he finds that there is more to his hate than meets the eye...


A/N: This is a fic set right after Kira and the gang had met up with Athrun on the beach. It is done in Kira's POV as he contemplates why Athrun left them again. This is not a SLASH fic but an exploration of Kira's and Athrun's relationship as friends with hints of Kira/Lacus and Athrun/Cagalli. As usual, the characters of Gundam Seed and Gundam Seed Destiny do not belong to me. Enjoy!

Hate You for Leaving

Her sobs were nearly a permanent fixture, a constant sound that broke the oppressive silence on the Archangel. Each one fell from her lips ringing like clear cries of heartache and desperation. And, Kira Yamato hated the man who had caused that soul searing pain in his sister. Cagalli Yula Atha, the young woman who had hardly shed a tear even during times of absolute darkness, had been reduced to a sobbing broken woman who couldn't seem to stop crying by one Athrun Zala, who so happened to be Kira's best friend.

He blinked as a familiar steel door loomed in front of him. Apparently, his thoughts had guided his actions and he found himself standing outside Cagalli's room. Again. He wanted to go in, to allow Cagalli to take comfort in his arms and presence, but he hesitated before leaving, trying to drown out the weeping with his own thoughts. It had become a routine for him to do this nearly everyday. He stood silently contemplative outside her door so many times that he could recognize every groove and flaw in its steel material. For, it had been like this since they had parted with Athrun on the beach that day – since he left her that day.

The door slid open with a swish as Kira entered his own room. Usually, a cheerful chirping would greet him, reminding him of the happy memories before his life had been stolen by the war. But now, there was only silence. 'Huh,' murmured Kira bitterly as he collapsed at his desk, 'even Tori has abandoned me.' And maybe, that was the real reason his hate for Athrun ran so deep. Sure, he was angry at his friend for forsaking Cagalli, the woman Athrun had declared to be in love with, but above all, Kira felt hurt and pained beyond reason that Athrun could forsake him. He opened his drawer and from within withdrew a picture – just a single flimsy piece of paper with not even a frame to protect it. But, in Kira's eyes, it was one of his most treasured possessions.

Mirialla had taken it, during one of the brief moments of tranquility during the first war. Archangel had taken a short respite on Earth though the exact location slipped Kira's mind. The four of them, meaning Lacus, Cagalli, Athrun and himself, had decided to escape to a field of flowers, glorious in its colours and absolute beauty, which Cagalli had spotted as they were landing. They were happy that day and completely at peace as the scent of the blossoms drove away the scent of blood and death. Lacus had been sitting beneath a tree, her legs elegantly stretched before her, providing a pillow for Kira. The gentle, loving smile on her beautiful face for the man lying with her had been captured in its full glory. And, Kira, whose sleeping countenance told of sweet dreams, glowed in peaceful tranquility. A little distance away Cagalli was in mid-pounce, a trail of flower petals trailing behind her in her flurry of motion. Yet, her aggressive actions were betrayed by the beaming smile of radiant joy on her gorgeous features, glimmering as brightly as her golden locks under the rays of the sun. And, Athrun, her prey was sprawled elegantly just beyond her reaching fingertips. It was this image that compelled Kira to gently touch in a caress. All Athrun's shields had fallen, leaving behind unguarded emotions of bliss, his emerald eyes sparkling like the brightest and most precious jewels. Without that mask of distance and coldness, Athrun had revealed his youth and innocence, the boy who had been filled with the hope of being reunited with Kira when they had parted on the Moon. And, Kira realized how much he had missed this side of his friend.

Leaning back into his chair, Kira pinched the bridge of his nose where a headache was building. Looking at the picture brought a very disturbing question: when had he last seen Athrun smile? Not the small tilt of the lips or a smug smirk or even the mischievous grin but a genuine true blue smile that spoke of absolute contentment. During the first war, he had understandably put his own needs above Athrun's. The torture of having to fight his friend and the anguish he felt had been erased the very moment Athrun had decided to fight with them. So, he had come to rely on Athrun for strength and protection, even as he remained strong for the members of Archangel. His despairing cries at night were not heard by anyone except Lacus and Athrun but they were not seen by the pink-haired songstress. Even then, Kira had loved her and had wanted to be her protector and comforter. So, only Athrun ever found him in his darkest state of melancholy. Only his best friend had ever held him in strong arms, soothing his tears and promising to protect him. Athrun had been prepared for the effects of the war. He was a trained soldier, elite of ZAFT. But, Kira was not. And, so Athrun had been prepared to lend his strength and warmth to the one he loved so dearly.

But, the war had ended and instead of helping Cagalli and Athrun bear the burden of rebuilding the new world, he had chosen to hide away, wanting to deny his sins of the past. What was his excuse? He needed time to heal. The war, the killing and the deaths had eaten at the very last of his frayed nerves. He could not look into Lacus' eyes without feeling a shadow of guilt, fear that his love would kill her. He could not hold an orphan's hand without hesitating, afraid of tainting an innocent pure child. He could not face the dark of night without trembling and suffocating. He could not watch the sunset without thinking of the blood that painted the ground, crimson as the rays that painted the sky. His unstable emotions and negativity sent him to the brink, his mind close to breaking. So, he had hidden away with Lacus as his closest companion, to heal his wounded soul and to rebuild the man that was Kira Yamato.

His healing process however, had not gone quite as he had planned. Instead, of regaining the strength and courage needed to face the new world, he had instead been crippled by the comfort the seclusion brought. He had rebuilt himself and some said that he had become stronger, a raw mess of metal now a blade of tempered steel. But, Kira knew that he had not become stronger. He had simply buried what he couldn't handle and thrown away the key. His outward calm was a cover, a shield that blocked in his inner demons. That was why when Athrun came, desolation and darkness threatening to consume him, to ask him about their reason for fighting, Kira had not been able to do anything but place a hand on his friend's trembling shoulders. For he himself, had not worked out the answer. He had not continued to seek but instead had shut himself away from the questions that haunt him. He had hoped that his outward composure would be able to provide the strength that Athrun needed, unhindered by his own doubts. But, clearly that had not been enough.

A keening moan of pain escaped Kira as he collapsed face-first on to his bed. He had accused Athrun of running away but how had he been any different? Athrun had an excuse for his weakness, he had been worn down to nothing trying to support Cagalli and fight his own inner demons at the same time. Athrun had had to fight to keep from suffocating from the pressure that came with being a hidden Coordinator in a Natural country, all for the sake of a beloved who could not even spend a day with him because of the demands of her country. He had become Alex Dino, giving up his very identity to be by her side, all the while struggling to keep Athrun Zala alive. Athrun had an excuse. What was his? He had hidden away, allowing his sister and best friend to fight the new battles of the new age. He had not even plucked up the courage to confront his own inner demons. He was a coward, who had turned tail and run. And, the worst part, he did not even have a valid excuse for his actions.

He remembered when he had first stepped up into Strike Freedom feeling only the need to protect Lacus and the orphans. He had not even felt a twinge of fear. Andrew, Murrue, Malchio and even Lacus herself had called him courageous that day, for conquering his fear. But, Kira knew that they had been wrong. He had not felt fear not because he had conquered it but because he had become so used to locking it away without confronting it. He had approached the second war with a single-mindedness that was commended upon by everyone. But, only he himself knew that this single-mindedness stemmed from his refusal to think of anything else, to consider the same things that had brought him to his knees in the first war.

And, that was why Athrun had been able to walk away so easily. Kira had not considered his friend's feelings. He had simply been naïve enough to think that Athrun would come back to their side simply because they were his friends. Athrun had left to search for answers, answers which Kira should've been able to provide. And, he had found those answers, in people who looked up to him, who accepted him fully for who he was – his new teammates at ZAFT. Even when they had met face to face, Athrun had still given him a chance, a second chance to give him the answer he so desperately needed. But, for Kira, who had been running away, he had no answer. Athrun needed strength and protection desperately from the people he had come to rely on. He had been their protector for so long that he merely wanted to be sheltered for once. And, Kira could not even give him that. Kira, Cagalli and everyone else had become so used to depending on Athrun for silent strength and comfort that they didn't know how to protect the protector, to comfort the comforter. They had instead pleaded with Athrun, using their own weakness to persuade him, the same weakness that had eventually driven Athrun away.

Kira knew that he had been weak. A friendship was a two way street. Both had to receive and both had to give. But, Kira had leeched off Athrun, always taking never giving. And, that had driven Athrun away, so worn down by strength he had given to support others without anyone to replenish it in himself. For even though Athrun was one of the strongest people Kira knew, he also knew that such strength could not last forever without someone to hold him up. Athrun had given and given and finally, he had been broken by his own generous nature. They had all taken him for granted.

But now Kira knew better. He had driven Athrun away with his weakness. He would not allow that to happen again. He could only hope that Destiny would be kind enough to reunite them. And, when she did, Kira would be strong enough to give his friend the support he needed. He would be Athrun's protector. He would be Athrun's comforter. Athrun had been his strength. It was time for him to be Athrun's.

For as much as he hated Athrun for leaving him, he hated himself more for driving Athrun away.


End file.
